farters have to be the big spoon...
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
