Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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