First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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