those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I think my fart just growled at me.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
