remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
