would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
