It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
