I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
