I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
