Dude my mom stole all your condoms
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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