You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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