WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
