My friends, they love my intelligence
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
