The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
