My friends, they love my intelligence
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
