I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
