I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
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