My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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