I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
