I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
