My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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