Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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