Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
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