May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize