everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
