Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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