I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
