Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
