At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
