bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
