I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize