Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
