shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
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