So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
