i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
