M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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