Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
