??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
