I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
