i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
