im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
