i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
