I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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