my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
