DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I am full of burrito and curiosity
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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