I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
