My liver just broke up with me...
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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