DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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