She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
