But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Randomize
